Monday, July 27, 2009

Birthers - How They View Things

illustration by Dave The Angry Rhode Islander

This illustration is how Birthers apparently view the presidency, anatomy, politics and science. It's a confusing, illogical, horrifying way to go through life, yet there is no shortage of these idiots who would like to believe that Obama is not an American by birth. These are no doubt the same morons who believe the sun orbits the earth, the earth is flat, and that anal and oral sex is abstinance.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Insane Palin Speech



"Crazy kisses for you! And you! And you!"

This insane, rambling speech is taken directly from her official Governor of Alaska website. I've just added some comments, in red. Enjoy the lunacy.


Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve (for 3 more weeks), as your Governor.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine. (which is why I’m quitting)

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land, vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe, and opportunity. He boldly looked "North to the Future". But he endured such ridicule and mocking (which you have kindly kept as tradition) for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this "Seward's Folly". Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but right path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States. (She writes like an 8th grade cheerleader. A dumb one, at that)
Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. (what kind of sentence is that?)We’re strategic in the world as the air crossroads of the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this - Alaska would be part of America's great destiny.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. (another great bit of writing) This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. (is she capable of coherent thought?) It's energy! (yayyy!!!!) God gave us energy. (he gave Saudi’s energy too – I thought he only liked ‘Merkins)

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. (another nonsensical, incoherent sentence) (Don’t start sentences with ‘and’) And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show my independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”. (quitting is certainly not “politics as usual” – Mission Accomplished, Sarah!!)

And we are doing well!(again, with the ‘And’, and another exclamation point. Yayyyyy!!!) My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans. (Until we quit on them)

We aggressively and responsibly develop our resources because they were created to be used to better our world... to help people... and we protect the environment and Alaskans (the resource owners) (so God created the resources, and gave them to Alaskans?) foremost with our policies.

Here’s some of the things we’ve done: (not “Here’s”, Sarah – you wouldn’t say “here is some of the things we’ve done”, you’d say here ARE some…well maybe YOU would say that, what with your community college education)

We created a petroleum integrity office to oversee safe development. We held the line for Alaskans on Point Thomson – and finally for the first time in decades – they’re drilling for oil and gas.

We have AGIA, the gasline project – a massive bi-partisan victory (the vote was 58 to 1!) (exclamation point – Yayyy!!!) – also succeeding as intended - protecting Alaskans as our (no Sarah – it’s God’s, remember?) clean natural gas will flow to energize us, and America, through a competitive, pro-private sector project. This is the largest private sector energy project, ever. This is energy independence. (nice, ‘Merkins love short, fragmented sentences)

And ACES (stop beginning sentences with “and”) – another bipartisan effort – is working as intended and industry is publicly acknowledging its success. Our new oil and gas “clear and equitable formula” is so Alaskans will no longer be taken advantage of. ACES incentivizes new exploration and development and jobs that were previously not going to happen with a monopolized North Slope oil basin.

We cleaned up previously accepted unethical actions (well that remains to be seen – as there’s no doubt some of your own that will be investigated); we ushered in bi-partisan Ethics Reform.

We also slowed the rate of government growth, we worked with the Legislature to save billions of dollars for the future, and I made no lobbyist friends with my hundreds of millions of dollars in budget vetoes... but living beyond our means today is irresponsible for tomorrow. (she saw this on a bumper sticker once, you betcha!)

We took government out of the dairy business and put it back into private-sector hands – where it should be.

We provided unprecedented support for education initiatives, and with the right leadership, finally filled long-vacant public safety positions. We built a sub-Cabinet on Climate Change and took heat from Outside special interests for our biologically-sound wildlife management for abundance.

We broke ground on the new prison. (this is deserving of a new paragraph?)

And (and and and) we made common sense conservative choices to eliminate personal luxuries like the jet, the chef, the junkets... the entourage.

And (brutal, just brutal) the Lt. Governor and I said "no" to our pay raises.

So much success in this first term – and with this success I am proud to take credit... for hiring the right people! (exclamation point – Yayyy!!!) Our goal was to achieve a gasline project, more fair oil and gas valuation, and ethics reform in four years. We did it in two. It’s because of the people… good public servants surrounding the Governor's office, with servants' hearts and astounding work ethic (quitters have such great work ethics)... they are Alaska's success! (Yayyyy!!!!)

We are doing well!(Yayyyy!!!!) I wish you'd hear more from the media of your state's progress and how we tackle Outside interests - daily - special interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular (another bumper sticker). Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral (immoral like children out of wedlock?) and doesn’t even make economic sense! (Yes, this is all Obama’s fault. Has nothing to do with the guy in office the previous 8 years, just the 5 months of Obama)

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states’ rights – two huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal (Boo…hiss! Liberal = SATAN!) Ninth Circuit, deciding in our state’s favor over the last two weeks. We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in 10th amendment. (more brilliant sentence structure)

But you don’t hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you? (I think Thomas Jefferson wrote in a similar style)

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me (tapped you?) to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Let me speak to that for a minute. (Go ahead, take as long as you need)

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice. Over the past nine months I've been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters’ questions. (Right, let’s forget the $150,000 wardrobe, the inability to answer Katie Couric’s questions intelligently, or even coherently, the whole TrooperGate thing, the pregnancy of your unwed teenage daughter, and other ethics questions raised about you)

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! (Yayyyy!!!!) But it hasn't been cheap - the State has wasted thousands of hours of your time and shelled out some two million of your dollars to respond to “opposition research” – that’s money not going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And (really, this is pathetic) this political absurdity, the “politics of personal destruction” … Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And (you just can’t stop, can you?) what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn’t cost them a dime so they’re not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples’ money in their game.

It’s pretty insane (and she knows insane!) – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with this instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but this isn’t what anyone had in mind for Alaska.

If I have learned one thing: life is about choices! (Yayyyy!!!!)

And (painful, isn’t it?) one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity(until I quit). I choose not to tear down and waste precious time; but to build up this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people! (Yayyyy!!!!)

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up"(if only you would), but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. (which is exactly the way you took – quitter!) And (on and on she goes, like a demented wind-up toy) a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

Nah, only dead fish "go with the flow". (Nah? Who writes like this other than unintelligent 8th graders and soon to be ex-governors of Alaska?)

No. (quite the fragmented thinker here)Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time... to build up. (this sentence makes zero sense)

And (she’s addicted to stupidity)there is such a need to build up and fight for our state and our country. I choose to fight for it! (until I quit) And (see what I mean?) I'll work hard (until I quit) for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and life... I'll work for (until I quit) and campaign for those proud to be American, and those who are inspired by our ideals and won't deride them.

I will support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the right reasons, and I don't care what party they're in or no party at all (or no party at all – where did she learn how to write?). Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska. (another incoherent fragment)

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk. (no shit, Sherlock)

I've never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this - to make a difference... to help people. So I choose, for my State and my family, more "freedom" to progress, all the way around... so that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor. (because obviously with a dolt like you in office, progress is impossible)

And (on and on and on she goes) so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do (what the fuck is she prattling on about?). And (more of the same) then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies (such as quitting mid-term) and effectiveness! (Yayyyy!!!!) That’s not how I am wired (a team of psychologists would have trouble figuring out how you’re wired). I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it. (Betcha didn’t think that meant I’d quit on ya!)

It’s not what is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

With this announcement that I am not seeking re-election… I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration – with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future – can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

My choice is to take a stand and effect change (quitting is such a stand) – not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities – and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans. (huh?)

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And (and and and) I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! (Yayyyy!!!!) And (make it stop!) I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory. (Actually Sarah, you’re not passing the ball – you’re quitting the game. Big difference, dummy)

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully (actually you haven’t given one single concrete reason)… and my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in – in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor’s picnics.

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you trust me with this decision – but it’s no more “politics as usual”.

Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor (hey dummy, you weren’t elected to hold any fucking title – you were elected to SERVE the people of your state!). And (she’s a dreadful writer) my children won’t allow it either.

Some will question the timing. Let’s just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile… (dot dot dot – I’m expecting a few OMGs in here somewhere)

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life - my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from outside the Governor's office?" It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!" The "hell yeah" sealed it - and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, (UM!!?? She fucking wrote the word “Um” in a professional statement? Absolutely incredible) by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we all could learn so much from someone like Trig - I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities right – that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs", not fewer. (who ever said the world needed less Trigs?)

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for our freedom and security… we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they’re bold, they don’t give up (you really learned something about not giving up from them, right?), they take a stand and know that life is short so they choose to not waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than self... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions – those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and not this local / superficial wasteful political bloodsport. (war is what is truly important)

May we all learn from them! (Yayyyy!!!!)

*((Gotta put First Things First))* (what the hell is she on?)

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska (so much that I have to quit). It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska (I agree with that). I’ve explained why (no, not yet)… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator (obviously the source of all her philosophical wisdom) that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction (nice spin on quitting).

Now, despite this, I don’t want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this real “climate change” that began in August… no, we need hardworking, average (you are certainly the epitome of “average”) Americans fighting for what’s right! (Yayyyy!!!!) And (I wish a high school English teacher would slap her for every one of these) I will support you because we need you and you can effect change, and I can too on the outside.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the bottom up, not move toward this top down big government take-over… but rather, will be protectors of individual rights - who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball (or quit)when it’s time so the team can win! (Yayyyy!!!!) And (slap!) that is what I’m doing! (Yayyyy!!!!)

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future. (we are?) It'll be good. So God bless you, and from me and my family - to all Alaska - you have my heart.

And (slap!) we will be in the capable (now there’s change Alaskans can get behind) hands of our Lieutenant Governor, Sean Parnell. And (slap!) Lieutenant General Craig Campbell will assume the role of Lieutenant Governor. And (slap! My God, this is incredible) it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist (by assist, I mean “quit”). We have a good, positive agenda for Alaska.

In the words of General MacArthur said (children write better than this), “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.” (Onward, Christian Soldier!!)

Friday, July 03, 2009

I Return with Palin!!


"Yes, I'm whacked out of my fucking gourd!"


Yes, after many months of not making any posts here, I announce my triumphant return to blogging. And to mark this most momentous of occassions, I have my take on the wacky, strange, befuddled Sarah Palin.

The political world is abuzz with talk and conjecture about her announced resignation today. Why is she resigning? Will she run for preznit? Such good questions!

Now I'm no expert, much like the people at Fox News, but I think that what she did today was political suicide. You can't quit your job as GOVERNOR and think that you are somehow strengthening your political career in preparation for a presidential run.

I think that she's going to run off with Mark Sanford of North Carolina and go to Argentina where they will procreate biblically and ethically. There is David Letterman in Argentina to make fun of her, which is good for her. She couldn't take the mocking from the media, although she did like to dish it out as she displayed in making fun of John Kerry and his long face.

Alaska, you come out a winner in all of this. Your whack job soon to be ex governor will no longer embarrass you. Have you learned any lesson in all of this, about who you elect? Man, I hope so!